dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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