You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
