That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sarcasm needs its own font
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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