dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
