Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
