He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We have started to decorate penises.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
