Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
