god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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