I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
