they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
