i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize