Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
