and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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