So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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