FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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