im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
