I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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