have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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