I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
