he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
