my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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