Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
