"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
