I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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