You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
