Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
