Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
