is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
