I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize