I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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