Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
