i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
