I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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