When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
