I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize