if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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