You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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