I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
