I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
