Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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