Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
