You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
