Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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