Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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