Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
