I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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