i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
