you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
