i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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