Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
