Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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