I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
