why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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