She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
