I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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