remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
