i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
