Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
