is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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