So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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