Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
