Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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