I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize