You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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