i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it's like iHOP with fire
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize