Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
