Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
