I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
